Reminiscence of the past one year

Finally a break from the mad uni life I have to go through!! Yay!! *jumps up & down* Although this break is a terribly short one, I am nonetheless thankful for a break. *smiles really widely* Can’t wait to start traveling again next week! Nyahaha…

About one year has passed, believe it or not. I have officially completed the 1st year of my degree! Woohoo! *yes!* So, I have been thinking of running away from the course for a year already…hahaha. *rolls on the floor laughing* 1 year down, 2 more years to kill.

I am not running away anymore. Nope, I shall be a good & obedient girl, & finish up this mad course no matter what it takes. After that hard hit, I did some thinking about the runaway plans, my purpose in the course, God’s ways & my ways. I did a walk down ‘memory-lane’, looking back at the one year that has passed by. The conclusion: I am staying.

I can’t believe that I would actually finish the 1st year, although with much complains. *sigh* A lot has taken place along my journey in uni. Being in Kuantan wasn’t where I would imagine myself to be. So many people asked me ‘what I am doing in Kuantan & what on earth made me go there to study’. LOL.

The course has been a really tough one to endure, no doubts about it. I was just telling my friends, ‘if this course doesn’t kill me, I think I will kill myself’. Hahaha…seems like I did survive after all. *shakes head* I don’t know what I have learnt for the past one year, really. My 1st semester was kind of a breeze as the syllabus & all weren’t settled yet, thus making us guinea pigs for this course. Well, we still are lab rats of the course (no graduates yet).

I can still remember & laugh over the memories of my 1st week in that uni. The food was SO horrible (I can remember clearly how I described the fried fish they cooked…boy, it was hard like rock man! If I throw it at someone, I bet the person will either get a bump on the head or just faints! LOL), I was SO lonely as I didn’t have friends…my only friends then were my room mates vice-versa, my course was such a mess, my lecturers can hardly speak proper English, & I found it so difficult to get to church as I didn’t have any Christian friends then.

Language was definitely a barrier. People refer to me as ‘xiang jiao ren’ a.k.a. banana person. Some thought I was a snob, while others just found me hostile towards them. I could barely speak a word of Mandarin! It was a pain to spark up a conversation & get my social life on the go. But then, I manage to pick up that language pretty fast, by His grace.

I also painted a picture of myself on the minds of some Chinese when I ‘confronted’ this guy ‘friend’ for his attitude, which wasn’t proper. People thought I was too direct and were terrified to even talk to me after that. They are afraid I would just snap at them. But my intention was good. I didn’t mean to scold him or crush his ego. I just wanted to tell him off in love, as a friend, since nobody tells him off when he does something wrong, but stand at a corner & talk behind his back instead. I do not like that. If you take me as a friend, then I would tell you the truth & not just talk about how bad your attitude is. *sigh* The Cina-Chinese mentality.

Getting back on course, I did find a Christian friend, & had my share of fun staying outside on weekends & joining Abishua, Rebecca, Jian-wei and the MYF. As far as I could recall, I played for service ONCE, joined MYF less than my 10 fingers could count, & made less than 10 friends here, in this uni. Bah. Such is life there. Oh, ok…I did join the Kuantan MYFers for caroling last year. I was initially not too glad that I had to miss my PJ Trinity one, but at the end of it, I had a lot of fun also. It’s all about Jesus & not how well we could sing…it’s about giving our best, & both the Kuantan WMC MYFers & the PJ Trinity MYFers did well for His glory. *sigh*

I was thrilled with my only achievement in this course; dean’s list. Other than that, the other things of greater pleasure are non-academic. After the departure of 2 Chinese course mates, leaving just 5 Chinese in my course including myself, we eventually got closer to each other. Well, the shifting of classes/ sections did help in pulling the 5 of us together too. Not to forget the group projects we did together.

The 2nd semester has a better dynamics of social-life, but a poorer academic one. My studies went down the drain as I didn’t have the heart to carry on the race anymore, but my relationship with my friends has definitely improved. I could speak Mandarin more fluently than before, making myself understood. It was during this sem where I had more run-away plans than the usual. The stress, the ups & downs, & the rocky paths of friendship at the beginning of the semester were near unbearable.

However, as I look back at those times, I learnt so much on trusting God, keeping Him as my focus, & patience. I could still remember the episode of my life where I had to do some marching under a silly uni program called ‘Briged Siswa’ & the amount of patience I had to use up to endure that phase of life. I still have the copies of journals I wrote then. Haha…it’s really funny to read over it again.

Things took such a twist in my life. *sigh* Unexpected. The lessons I have learnt, the friends I have made at the end of my 1st year, the memories I have gathered for my collection, & the opportunities I have had to share the Word of the Lord to my friends face to face, through my life & once through the internet. Wow. Amazed. I was given the chance to discover God so many times too & see Him face to face, hear His voice audibly & feel His presence with me in really real, powerful ways.

I did A LOT of solo traveling too & covered PJ-KL, Kuantan, JB, Seremban & Segamat in a matter of TWO month (worshipped at 5 churches in those 2 months!). I thank to God, Jeremiah School & my awesome threesome, which made all this traveling & visiting possible. Haha. I love this life crazy life the Lord has blessed me with. *smiles with satisfaction*

Hard Hit

Hard hit!! “To persevere requires that we proceed faithfully on our course. Like Paul and Barnabas “we must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). We do not change course in midstream when we run into extreme difficulties. We are to watch and pray and stay true to our calling to go with Jesus to set captives free even when we are chained in human prisons.”

Wow…this sounds ever too familiar! Check out my life, my thoughts, my little run-away plans. See that this entire phrase just speaks too loudly to me; just as if it is for me only!! Bah. The conclusion, I am staying in this course for better or for worst. Despite me not in favour of the answer from God (which I so have to repent), I will obey.

*sigh* Looking at al that has taken place, I could actually somehow see the pattern of His answers for me. My God is ever SO patient with me. Bless Him, o my soul rejoices! I just turn a deaf ear and a blind eye towards the Lord. *sniff* The journey shall begin, with God at my side.

Final-ly over

AH! Freedom! my finals are finally over! Yay yay...*dances around* The next hurdle is the presentation on Thursday noon & it's gonna be a major presentation. The evaluators told us to bring along some lots of tissue paper just in case we break down when they shoot us down with their endless list of questions. *sigh*

2 days down for this week. Now 2 more days to kill! After that I will be back home! Ah...I am like SO waiting for that moment to arrive. I nedd a break! A real good break. I hope to do some catching up with my friends & my family too. Gah.

Persevere

One more day down. 3 more days to kill. *phew* I am actually quite relieved that the Software Engineering paper I sat for just now wasn't that a killer as I expected it to be. I really thank God that things went alright. *sigh*

God has been throwing these verses, Philippians 4:6-7, at me for at least 3 times yesterday! I could never imagine that God would be so erm...what's that word...like He just never gives up in letting me know that He is in control of things & that I need not be anxious about anything at all. My, this is my God.

The many people who know that I am drowning in this course kept telling me to persevere. Have I been turning a deaf ear again? *sigh* Perseverance is hte lesson I have to learn for now. Even the QT passages & the Lent meditation passages for these couple of days talked about perseverance. Gah.

Weak

Weak. Yes, this is my current self. My system for the SDP is not usable. This is indeed the worst thing that could ever happen at this point of time. "Not when the presentation is next week?!" I thought to myself. *sigh* Reality; this was what took place yesterday night.

I could never bring myself to face the truth. My group’s system is invalid & we have to redo! Right. I have one paper on Monday & Tuesday respectively, & yesterday night one of my group members came to my room & told me this piece of news. Fantastic, just fantastic. Worries filled me ever quickly. I was SO lost& confused that once again I started questioning God if this was what He purposed me for. I felt totally far from Him.

Oh, how I wish I could turn to someone for help. I am worst at programming & now I have to think of the commands & the structure of the program. Argh! Absolutely anxious, tired & fed up, I tried to work things out with my strength. Bah. This is what happens when we don’t depend on God. We just fail.

Breaking down is also my specialty. I couldn’t bring myself together. With my room mates gone, & the room so empty, my closest friends not in Malaysia & my listening ears at NS, oh, the feeling was unbearable.

Yet, through it all, I have to confess that God was waiting for me to go to Him in prayer. Philippians 4:6-7 jumped at me again: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

*sigh* I was in absolute confusion yesterday that I just couldn’t think straight. However, I am better today, despite the struggle still to let go, let God. It is a lesson I have to learn; to depend on God wholly. God never failed to speak to me, & He spoke again this morning during the entire time of service. Now, this IS my God. He is able. *sigh*

5 Days to Kill!

One of the worst feelings is when all your room mates are done with their exams, leaving you alone to go through the rest of the papers alone...well, together with your other pitiful course-mates of course.

Even worse is when it is the end of the first year of your studies & your room-mates are leaving the room one by one for home, leaving you alone to face the 4 corners of the room, waiting for the days to come where you can head home after your papers too. Bah. I hate this.

I hate to admit it, but I am a total loser when it comes to issues like this. I will show a strong front & say that I am used to being alone, & that I can live alone in the room where none of my room mates are around already. Ergh. I find it terribly difficult to actually go through this period of time.

I have 5 more days to kill now. The last of my room mate just left for home. Fine. I bade farewell & sent my best wishes, closed the door behind me, looked around my room & came back to reality; I am alone. Bah.

Will I be able to go through the 5 days with boldness? Face every challenge without fear? *shrugs*

The Trip

We left for Sungai Lembing around 5.30am from Abi’s in 2 cars. There were 5 guys (Kin Hup, Abi, Javern, Kuan & Tee) and myself in total. Boy, I was the only girl again…brought back the memories of the time I had at Bentong, where I was the only girl also when I went for the konon-nya sunrise watch with Shawn, Merlvyn & Abi. And to think of it, I woke up 3 days consecutively to watch the ‘sunrise’ with Shawn, not to find the sun rising at all. Bah.

Anyways, back to Sg. Lembing, the drive to this place took up about an hour. The streets were SO dark & Kin Hup was driving kinda fast too. Eeekk. The place was really quiet. The town looked really old & Chinese (reminded me too much of JS somehow…bah)!

Hiking up so early in the morning reminded me of the expedition I went last time to Gunung Ledang. Gosh…the old memories made its comeback! Good grief. The hike up was nothing but tiring (considering that I DON’T exercise on a normal basis…lol). With a girl like yours truly in the group, the guys will have to slow down somewhat. Sheesh. So much for stamina.

Well, they were kinda encouraging on the way up, but I still got my share of mocks from them nonetheless. Guys-- they are forever like this. Thankfully these guys are more gentlemanly than Kelv, lest I would have just pushed them down the hill. The view on the way up was already really good. Talk about the peak man!

I was literally overjoyed when I reached the peak!! Yay yay! *dances around with the feeling-like-jelly legs* The view from the peak was breath-taking. The range of mountains on the horizon was AWESOME. We spent at least half an hour there, just admiring the beauty of His creation; His work of art. Kin Hup was smart enough to bring his digital camera--without batteries!! Argh…bengang! He said this would give me a reason to come here again…ergh.

Waiting for the sun to show up reminded me much on waiting upon the Lord. It seems like a LONG wait, but the reward, tremendously worth the wait. The silly sun didn’t want to show itself to us again. Now what is it with me & sunrise? I haven’t had the opportunity to witness one properly. Well, the several attempts at Bentong with Shawn failed. This time ‘round, don’t tell me the sun ain’t gonna show itself again. *puffs*

We moved from our comfort zone towards what the guys call the ‘kuali’ i.e. the satellite dish. It was a short walk towards that place…slightly higher up. The place was quiet! No other groups were around, and the best part was, THE SUN SHOWED UP!!! It was BEAUtiful! It popped up from behind the clouds! Totally! *swept off my feet again*…Ah…I felt like I was carried on the clouds! *really excited*

Of course it was really difficult to ‘stare’ at the sun. But oh, the opportunity to witness the sunrise was just too wonderful. Plus, I got to get to know the guys better during the trip too, which I am very pleased. I seldom get the chance to do crazy things like that with a bunch of guys, do what they do & just enjoy their ‘havoc-ish’ company.

After the great time of fellowship, we headed down for breakfast. Boy, the guys are fast when food calls out their name. Kuan & Kin Hup accompanied me…we didn’t run down the hill like those crazy fellas did. They were racing with some dogs which went down the hill surprisingly fast! Considering the fact that their center of gravity is lower, they should have better balance. Not forgetting the four legs they have too! In any case, Kin Hup’s knees weren’t too perfect anymore due to old injuries. He said that his knees were about to give way with the strenuous hike down.

Breakfast was good for the price we paid. The simple small town kind of food--home made yong tau foo with home made noodles. Delicious. One round ain’t enough for the guys. Heh. We went for round 2. This time, for chee-cheong-fun. Sg. Lembing has this famous chee cheong fun. I must say that it is pretty special. It is similar to the Hong Kong style, except that it has an egg pr chee cheong fun sheet, some dried shrimps & sprinf onions. Not too bad for a change.

We went exploring the place after breakfast, and I personally find that this town is SOooo old; it seems as if time stopped at this town. They don’t get water from the Water Department, but from the river, or more like some ‘mountain water’. They link their own pipes from the main ‘stream’ to their houses! We met an old aunty, who talked to us about the town & some other places nearby, which she recommended us to go to. Hmm…interesting.

How about having street evangelism at this town in the next JS? LOL.

I was dead tired after that. To think that I have to head back to uni, rest a lil & hit the books after that, gosh…I so didn’t want to leave Sg. Lembing. Let time stop there. Let me get stuck there!

I continued to have a nice chat with Kin Hup & Javern in the car. It was very silly of us that somehow instead of heading towards my uni, we landed near Sg. Lembing again! We made a big round somehow…now where did we go wrong??? Bah. That took up half an hour of our precious time. Looking at the brighter side, we had more time to chat…haha.

The other half of the journey back to uni, I dozed off. I can hardly keep my eyes open & my mouth producing proper, understandable sentences. Totally zonked out. I think it was also accumulative. I mean, I haven’t had that proper sleep for the past few weeks, since I came back from my one week break. Nyeh.

I am really thankful for Kin Hup & the rest of the guys for the wonderful time I had. Despite the fact that I have to study & all, oh, this trip was a good, relaxing & distressing getaway. In any case, if I didn’t go for this trip, I will be sleeping alone in the room also, as my room mate didn’t go back that night! (Not that I am afraid to sleep alone…oh, no no) She spent her night out on the beach with her close guy friend & another coupled friend. Good grief.

Madness

Madness. These two days are really mad. The Math paper yesterday wasn’t too bad after all. I mean, after all the slugging through the night before, cheh, it wasn’t necessary. All along, I thought I would bag the award on the day of the exam for the worst-looking, zombied girl, but nah, Jo & Chen looked even worse!

Jo couldn’t sleep at all as she was just too worried about the Math paper; she tossed & turned the entire night, trying to get some sleep but failed anyways. She was the worst looking girl among the 5 of us Chinese. LOL.

On the other hand, Chen also tried to sleep, but ended up ‘dreaming of a R b & b R a, relations, graph theories & trees. She just couldn’t have proper, peaceful, undisturbed sleep. She looked just as bad as Jo. She got the 2nd prize for the worst-look for the day. LOL again.

I slept later than the both of them although we packed up to get back to our rooms from the discussion room around the same time i.e. around 1.30am. I spent time doing the Lent meditation, which (forgive me, Lord) I didn’t do during the day. It was good J I talked SO much to God that I nearly forgot that I have to sleep & rest for the paper later in the morning. Hah. Awesome talk with God. *satisfied*

After all the stress about sitting for the Math paper, we went out for food, headed back to sleep for a couple of hours (which it was MY turn to be not able to sleep somehow. Bah), bathed, and then went out to town to get some things for our SDP project. *sigh* Wild goose chase it was.

I was in a great rush as I told Kelv & Kin Hup that I will be joining them for CG that night itself. I rarely join them. In fact, yesterday was my 2nd time with that CG. The topic for the day was prayer….whoa…a great eye-opener & reminder it was. Gah. Some prayer, some power; More prayer, more power; Much prayer, much power. *swept off my feet*

We had a time of fellowship after the discussion, & Kin Hup came up with the idea of going to Sungai Lembing for a hike the next morning. Ooooo…I was totally delighted with the idea! I wanna go! There was just ONE problem. How am I going to get out of the uni at 4.30am? Woops.

I called Abi at the end & got him to go too. So, I ended up staying at Abi’s last minute. Kin Hup had to send the rest back to the uni anyways, so I went back, packed my thongs in a hurry, & got out of the uni again (it was around 12.10am already!!). I only had roughly 3+hours of sleep, before I had to wake up again to get ready for the hike. I was totally excited!

Annoyed!

Bah! I just spent half an hour typing out a post & it is gone! Really annoyed! Ergh...& I thought I would keep my blogsite updated even when I am slightly busy. Forget it. I shall type again another time.

Finals kicked in!

My final's started on Tuesday. Not good. However, I am thankful that God's mercies are still upon me. I am still very much alive. Bah

Wasn't feeling too well the day before yesterday...my head felt kinda heavy, my nose runnin' & a lil fever settled in. Same goes for yesterday, but the effect wasn't so bad. I had my 1st paper, Database System 2, on Tuesday, & my C programming paper just now. Gosh...it was a killer. I can only do half the paper. Well, well, it wasn't so bad compared to my previous attempts...at least I could now do half the paper. I can hardly understand how to do up a full program. Sheesh...so much for studying in this course for almost a year.

The next paper will land tomorrow : Maths. Ah well, will have to gather my brain together after the massive blow from the exam just now & do some proper revision. I SO need help for all my subjects. Thankfully the friends I have here aren't too reluctant to help :)

Right. Got to make a move now for lunch. My stomach is crying out loud. Nyeh.

A Night Out

A couple of us went a lil mad one night...the 7th of March to be exact, & we went out for dinner, shopping, crashed the Mechanical Engineering Faculty's ball night at the Vistana Hotel in Kuantan, went to the beach, & went grocery shopping at the end of the madness. 3 of us frineds also stayed up late to talk & take silly photos...madness....I think it was the stress....
Taken at the beach



At Vistana Hotel





In Joey's room for the talk...

Joh 15:1-8 -

11 March 2005, 12:49am

Jesus Christ is the Vine, the true Vine. The union of the human and Divine natures, and the fullness of the Spirit that is in him, resemble the root of the vine made fruitful by the moisture from a rich soil.

Believers are branches of this Vine. The root is unseen, and our life is hid with Christ; the root bears the tree, diffuses sap to it, and in Christ are all supports and supplies. The branches of the vine are many, yet, meeting in the root, are all but one vine; thus all true Christians, though in place and opinion distant from each other, meet in Christ. Believers, like the branches of the vine, are weak, and unable to stand but as they are borne up.

The Father is the Husbandman. Never was any husbandman so wise, so watchful, about his vineyard, as God is about his church, which therefore must prosper. We must be fruitful.

From a vine we look for grapes, and from a Christian we look for a Christian temper, disposition, and life. We must honour God, and do good; this is bearing fruit. The unfruitful are taken away. And even fruitful branches need pruning; for the best have notions, passions, and humours, that require to be taken away, which Christ has promised to forward the sanctification of believers, they will be thankful, for them.

The word of Christ is spoken to all believers; and there is a cleansing virtue in that word, as it works grace, and works out corruption. And the more fruit we bring forth, the more we abound in what is good, the more our Lord is glorified.

It is the great concern of all Christ's disciples, constantly to keep up dependence upon Christ, and communion with him. True Christians find by experience, that any interruption in the exercise of their faith, causes holy affections to decline, their corruptions to revive, and their comforts to droop.

Those who abide not in Christ, though they may flourish for awhile in outward profession, yet come to nothing. The fire is the fittest place for withered branches; they are good for nothing else. Let us seek to live more simply on the fullness of Christ, and to grow more fruitful in every good word and work, so may our joy in Him and in his salvation be full.

Dean's List (photos)

My 4 closer friends at uni




My closest friends at uni




Receiving the award...which is my 1st & perhaps my last too...haha




All from our course who got into the dean's list for sem 1

Talked Behind My Back??

Seems that I can't avoid this 'talking behind my back' situation to not happen. I just found out that my friends have been talking about me in the car when I wasn't around! Tsk tsk tsk...

My close friend here in this uni took her car out for servicing one fine day, & 2 guys accompanied her. One of the guys, KH, was kinda close to me (although he is extremely afraid of me) last time. A long story that was...that was the 1st time I painted a name for myself in this uni & from then on many 1st year Chinese students here are afraid of me. Bah.

The synopsis of the event that took place....hmm...I 'scolded' this guy (more like pointing out his mistakes to him) as he did someting really not right during a party here, & got myself labelled as very straight forward & difficult to approach. Well, I feel that it is not right if I don't tell him off (his mistakes, I mean), & let so many ppl talk bad about him behind his back, if he is my friend. So there it went...I am the 'bad' girl now...ppl are afraid to talk to me in case I expose their mistakes...etc.

Anyways, as I was saying, my friends were talking about me in the car. KH was telling the other 2 how afraid he was of me, & somehow they just kept using my name in their conversations...associating me & him...sheesh. He was also telling them of one incident where he was walking into the library when he saw me inside reading the newspapers, that he quickly turned back & headed for the exit. He ended up waiting outside until I walked out! The next thing I saw was that he went straight into the library after I came out. Gah.

Now, if I ever see him (after all that I have heard from my friend), I wouldn't dare to look at him straight into his face anymore! Malu-nya aku...*sigh* I suppose it is inevitable that people talk behind our backs eh?

So Far Yet So Near

Suppose to write on this on Sunday, but seems like I was WAY too busy on that day...didn't really get good sleep for the past few days anyway...like there ain't any difference. Gah.

Believe it or not, I met a couple of my church members in church on Sunday! Wow...I SO didn't expect to see them in Kuantan! Aunty Sheila Ramayah & her husband, Aunty Susie, and miss Lizzie came over to Kuantan for a short mission trip. They didn't know I was in Kuantan all along too...lol. I don't blame them as the congregation back at PJ Trin is slightly too huge to notice a single person not being around...whatmore they are from the main service. However, I was thrilled that they could remember me; that I am from PJ Trin too!

The meet up made me feel that home is not too far away after all. I SO miss home...peculiar. I am just about 250+km away from home--a 4 hours bus ride. I am still in Malaysia, but I miss home. I didn't miss home this much till recently, when so many things took place that I begin to appreciate & value home more than I used to. Not that I don't appreciate things back home...it's just that I won't feel homesick or anything near that feeling till recently. *sigh* Life. TOO interesting, but time just passes so fast that I can't pause to savour the sweetness of life and enjoy every single bit of it.

Gentlemen...what??!!

I really wonder where the word 'gentlemen' came from. I hardly meet any lately! Sheesh...I was really irritated by the guys I met just these couple of days, who aren't any gentlemen at all! (for those who visit my blog, you are not included in ths category...teeheehee)

The 1st incident that got me jumping with ergh...took place on Sunday. As usual, I went to church together with a friend. We hitched a ride from a lecturer to the main road to catch the bus to town.

Men. They COULDN'T be bothered to offer up their seats to women! There I was standing in that bus to town, which is 40 minutes from outside the uni. I finally got a seat after standing for half the journey. Right. I don't want to blame anyone for not giving up their seat to a girl such as I. It is just way too common to find all the guys sitting down in the bus and the girls standing up instead. *sigh* What has this world become? Or more likely, what is the education ministry doing about this?? Aren't the guys and girls educated to offer their seats to those in greater need of it? Ethics! Courteousy!

I got to place my bum on the seat for FIVE minutes until the next stop came up. A malay woman with 2 kids boarded the bus. She was a lil wet as it was rainin' at that time. There weren't any seats available....men? Guys? Useless bunch of people in that bus. I gave up looking around & waiting for people to offer their seat to that woman; I stood up & offered mine instead. That friend of mine didn't have the...the...'kindness' to offer up his seat...goodness...this IS life.

Now that was round one of the irritating episode. Round two began 10 minutes after we got down of the bus. Guys. *sigh*

The weather wasn't really promising. The wind was blowing like crazy...it was REALLY nice though. Sadly it started to drizzle as we walked to church ( and the rain got heavier too!) & I can't open my umbrella lest I become like Mary Poppins! I thought my friend was slightly kind that day....nah...not at all!! I was walking in front of him when he said this : "I open the umbrella la...then you hold...I walk behind of you..." Oh boy...he got a whole long lecture from me after that about being a gentleman and all....sheesh...

Well, well, like what can I conclude? Early childhood education on how to treat others is extremely essential...hmm...you reckon? Kekeke...

Friends

And all along I thought these friends I have in uni aren't close enough to feel a part of each other. So wrong, Ruth Wong. Judgemental...repent..

My course mate just told me that she wants to unregister for the next semester coz another friend & I haven't register yet. The 3 of us are usually together. To leave one person alone is kinda like a no-no. Thankfully she manage to do so as her application online wasn't approved yet. *phew*

She told me she didn't want to be alone in that particular section although the people who have registered for that section already are a better bunch...not so lazy and all. I told her to carry on. It wouldn't be fair for her to wait for me (I can't register cos there were some technical errors on my account...can only register on Monday). It would be good for her to go to a better class than to wait for me & the other friend & end up in a not-so-good class.

She said that we will register for the same section. At least we will have each other there to spur each other on. Well, couldn't believe it that she said that. It is like a one go, all go kinda thing. Unity. Believe it or not. Being selfish in this kind of situation is not the option...in all things, we are to be not-selfish le...

*sigh* I should be thankful for this bunch of friends no matter how distant I feel from them. We shall work together for better or for worse, I suppose. We got into the dean's list last semester together. As for this sem, I reckon it will be tough for any of us to get in. Perhaps my 2 closer friends will get in. But as for me, nah...maybe the next sem, if God wants me to be here, I shall strive for the dean's list position. I have some pics taken on that award presentation night, but seems like the connection is not good enough to get into the photobucket site where my pics are uploaded there...nyeh...

Letter to a dear friend

*altered and editted to fit a blog. Written on Friday, 4 March 2005*

Darling, the Lord has been just too real to be true lately. It is terrifying. I mean, I haven't had Him showing Himself this real to me (except the times at JS04 & JS05). With all those audible voices and verses attacks, I never imagined that He will use such powerful tools to put me down.

It feels like the time when God spoke to Abraham & Moses. I am totally overwhelmed. I am. The immense joy; totally.

Talking about God speaking, I guess I did mention to you that I asked God if i should stay here or move out. I mean, if He allows me to go through the rocky path, so torturous and painful, I am sure there is a reason, just like what your counsellor said.

So far, I heard another audible voice of the Lord. This time through my mum! Could NEVER imagine it. I still need confirmation. I told the Lord already. This is phase one. Things are getting SO excitin'. The roller coaster is on its way up!

My parents are very, very worried about me, & I am not too glad about it. I don't want them to worry about me. But I can't hide things from them. They called just at that moment when I wasn't feelin' too up and about...that day when I broke down over the phone to you...that was the day my dad called & my voice sounded shaky so he knew I was upset cos I seldom cry in front of them. They seldom call me cos they know that I can manage things well by myself & they seldom worry as they believe in me that I will take care of myself properly. They also know that I depend on the Lord to see me through each day, so they just let me be.

But this time, they are awfully worried. *sob* My sis smses to make sure I stay strong, my mum called in the afternoon to check on me, & my dad calls in the evening to find out if I am alright. they didn't know each of them has called. Amazing love...how can it be?

My mum called yesterday to tell me to get out if I really am unhappy here. She called today again with a different message altogether. Strange but true. I feel that it is God who is using her, with her simple faith. My parents aren't strong Christians, but the simple faith they possess amazes me.

Apparently my parents were thinking for me all night. *sob* My mum said that she feels I should just stay on & do my best. Since I am going to finish my 1st year already, & have another 2 years to go through, might as well make the best out of it. She said it is not about getting all As. It is about giving my best. *gets teary while typing this* It is about staying strong & just continue. She even said that teaching isn't that good after all (I was thinking of that as my option if I get out of this course).

I am too lost for words when all these happened. I mean, can you see the twist of thoughts that my mum had? The Lord is indeed on the move. I don't know what to say. God is SO talkative when He needs to! We just have to listen intensely. I don't want to miss out on anything he said.

Just to put into graphics how He spoke lately: Wednesday morning through QT, night through you & the song, Thursday morn through some verses during QT, the entire day through His strength & my friends, Friday morn though QT Phil 4:6-7 (tremendously audible), & He used the same bulk of passage to share it with you when u smsed saying you weren't feelin' happy & then just now, through the Lent meditation. *sigh* Indeed when God moves, we have to run. He's too fast.

SO much took place through my busiest time. And verily it is when we are most busy that He steps in to give us the greatest measure of peace, assurance, strength and love. I somehow have to learn to enjoy being busy & giving my best to the Lord in my work, for it is the most lovely times to have. If I keep looking at the -ve side, that will be the end of me.

I'm so tak-tetap fikiran. Sometimes feelin like this, other times changing my mind. Bah. Sorry yeah that you have to be the ears to listen to all these.

*gets distracted*
Oh my goodness....I just checked my marks for the ICT test that day...I got an A!! Yay!! At least there is one A...*dances around...jumps up & down in great joy* I thought I was going to get low marks as the examiner ticked me as not-yet-competent for my assembling of the PC. I did the software installation edi & had very little time left to do the hardware of assembling the PC and get it to work. My PC didn't work...:(

*gets back to the emailing*
Anyways...yeah I better let you go or else you will be having a tough time to breathe & digest the contents of this mail. Thank you SO much for being around. I never had a guy friend so close after K left for Ireland, & this friend is so much better as he is a Christian who can understand where I come from. It's you!

Oh, you need not do anything more than just be around in words. I connect with words better than a lot of things. I don't need anything more. You have been a VERY great friend/ brother already.

*gives warm hug virtually first...owe u the real one for now...heh*

Love always, Ruth

"I am tortured, flogged, beaten, battered, slashed right, left, back and front by the world. Yet, thorugh it all, I am not defeated, for the battle belongs to Him who loves me immeasurably."

Loved ones

" Come back now...your dad...he's gone...*breaks down on tears*...(voice breaks off)" "What??!! NO!!!! (breaks down in distraught too)"....quickly packs bag & get to the bus station 25+km from uni....buy the next bus ticket to KL & hope to get a bus directly after that to Ipoh...home..where dad is...

Now this is a scenario just this morning. A friend's dad passed away...I don't really know him (the friend), but he is my room mate's coursemate. I was shocked to hear the news. His dad passed away due to a sickness. He was having some gatric pain-like illness last week, but was alright after that. However, things just don't happen the way we hope it would be. *sigh*

I know how it feels to loss a loved one. But so far, I have't felt this distraughted yet...this incident made me think really deep- how much do I value my loved ones? When was the last time I asured them that I love them? How much do my loved ones mean to me?

I miss my family. I rarely feel so. But lately, after so many things that took place, I found that my parents are actually very, very concerned about me. In my previous post, Thy Will Be Done, I mentioned that my dad called & was concerned 'bout me coz I sounded sad...well, I found out even more the next day...I shall post up some part of a mail I wrote to a very dear friend telling about how great the Lord has been to me lately & it has a part on my parents...

Many youths these days find it hard to communicate with their parents effectively. Sometimes I really wonder why. Well, I do go through similar situations where I found it hard to talk to my parents too. Sometimes I find that they just don't understand. But then again, I noticed how tough it is for the parents...they find it really difficult to communicate with their children too. We, as youths have our friends to turn to. How about our parents? I noticed that parents do not have many friends whom they can turn to. Some don't even have friends to turn to. I believe that the only person whom they can turn to is God & their spouse.

Is it that youths do not take the initiative to understand their parents? Or is it just the parents who can't seem to go to the level of their children? Are they just too busy to notice their children? To take time to understand them better? Or is it that the children just don't want to open up & share how they feel with their parents? Is it the lack of patience & initiative? Stand in your parents' shoes & think how they would feel when they fail to present their message of love to their child. *sigh*

I remember a time when my friend's mum called me up & said she needed to talk to me about her child. My goodness...I was really shocked...it happened last year or 2 years ago. The most surprising part was that she was calling all the way from up north! I was terrified. A mother calling her child's friend? This mum found it difficult to advise her child to not go into something. She didn't know who to turn to for help. She turned to God, church members, friends...etc, but her child just wouldn't listen, so she somehow managed to find my number & called me up. Anyways...this is one case proving how difficult parents find in communicate effectively with their children.

So, how much do we value our family & friends? Or have we taken them for granted? Are we honouring our parents in whatever we are doing now? When was the last time we called up a friend to find out how they are getting on? Gosh...I have so many things to do to make sure that I don't take my loved ones for granted.....I love you, dad, mum, sis, grandpa...aunt anne, uncle CP...I love Mabel, Fern, , Rene, Joce, Mary, Pastorpher, Quin Che, James, Andrew, my cg...me fwens! Gah...I so miss all the people...*hugs them all*

Thy will be done

These couple of days have been really rough for me. And I really mean rough. I haven't been getting enough sleep and am worried that my health would get affect somehow. *sigh* This course is slowly eating into me. I can't take it further soon enough.

I couldn't take programming anymore. I don't understand what it is all about, how to go about with it & I can't write out my own programs properly! I was really downcasted yesterday night after the programming hands on test. We were told to work in groups of 3s to finish up 3 Qs. I was SO relieved...this is my opportunity to boost up my marks a lil.

The joy didn't end the way I would hope it to be. We couldn't even complete ONE full question! It was that tough. The best part was that the floppy disk which we used to save the work up went bonkers and got corrupted, needing us to reformat it and all. Bummer! We had no time left, practically. Panic sank in....

At the end, we managed to hand up the work; whatever that we have done...not one was complete. The best news to know: We will be getting ZERO for not being able to complete it. IDIOT! There goes...whatever lil marks I have hoped for: The end.

All 5 of us Chinese friends were terribly affected by the test, even yours truly. I hate this. I can't do the Q, & caused my friends' marks to go down along with mine. Really frustrated when I think about it. We walked back to our rooms depressed, teary and feeling totally hopeless. The Qs on why we are here & what we are learning in this course made its comeback to devour us. *sigh* So, is this what life is after all?

And the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before & failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time & time again

'Boy, you'll never win...you'll never win'

I really couldn't take it. With all the confusion settling into my mind comfortably, I had no one else to turn to but God. Dad called, but I was having my test at that time, so I called back for a while after the entire ordeal. He knew there was something wrong with me since my voice was shaky. He said he will call today instead.

I called James as I told him I would get back to him about how everything went at the end of the day, but he didn't pick up the phone. *sigh* He ended up calling me instead. The floodgates of tears just opened wide at that point of time. I can't believe it that I did that. Bah. I really didn't know what to do already. I SO wanted to give up on everything at that time; I just want to get out of this course & do something else; something that I would like & be interested in! But then again, we don't always get what we like. Huff.

Did God actually put me in this tormenting life to make me learn something? Or did I just missed what He was trying to tell me all along & not stay here? Questions, questions, questions.

No matter what happens, the Lord never did forsake me; not even once. The terrible feeling that was in me stayed on the entire night. I had to finish up some programming work after all the crying. Silly goat. I believe my tear-factory hasn't been so active until I came to this uni. I stayed up almost the entire night till about 3.20am just to figure out 2 Qs. Believe it or not. It was horrible. Moreover, I have a test today and a quiz too...I didn't revise at the end. Darn it.

But I was really comforted by the Lord when He spoke to me before I turned in at last. I gave up trying to figure out the programs & went to bed, but before that i had to deal it out with the Lord lest I wouldn't be able to sleep properly.

But the voice of Truth, tells me a different story

The voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid"

The voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me...

I will choose to listen & believe the voice of Truth

For the 1st time, I reckon, the Lord spoke audibly to me, in a form of a song. I was overwhelmed by it. Totally man! Overjoyed. I prayed, fell down to my knees kinda thing & seconds after I was done throwing everthing to Him, He spoke (if I remember right, it goes like this):

Do not fear My child for I will always be with you

Put your trust & all in Me in everything you do

In your ways acknowledge Me & Me alone

I will lead you, I will lead you

Come & sit at the right of My throne

Comforted. May Thy will be done in my life o, Lord.

Save me!!...and yet another adventure...

Dying here in this mad situation. Lack of sleep, feeling malnourished, seems as if my immunity is taking a dip, and my level of BP is on the rise. Grrrr...I have been sleeping early around 3+am lately...bah...I rarely do so (now I know what Fern means by having 8 hours of sleep in 3 days), and waking up around 8+am.

4+ hours of sleep is NOT enough to last me from 8+am till 4pm (after class) and then till 3am again the next day. With the crazy routine and sleep I am getting, I am soon gonna vaporize into the air. I even feel like some desert gecko today...what ppl would call as kurus kering...teeheehee...

The Lord be my strength...Amen.

*****
And yet another adventure...

I actually had a pretty exciting Sunday...2 days ago. I hitched-hike again!!! Man! If my parents find out this one, they will forbid me from going out anymore already! But this time I was with Kelv, so erm...it wasn't so scary lar huh.

We had to take the bus to church, hich of course the bus didn't come at the time we hoped it would come. One car drove out of the uni and saw the both of us sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus and the uncle stopped. Kelv just stood up and walked towards the car as if he knew the person, which in fact he didn't! He asked the uncle where he was going, and the uncle in return asked Kelv where he wanted to go. Oh no no. Kelv told the uncle "Bandar" and the uncle said "Bandar la". My...scary....so we got in and just hoped that we didn't make a wrong move.

I sat at the back and was in a position ready to jump out of the car in case of anything. I had my pepper spray in my pocket too- all within reach. Gah. The journey wasn't any quiet, not when Kelv is around. that fella just talks to anyone. *sigh* Like didn't your mummy teach you not to talk to strangers, Kelvin? The uncle is the contractor for the uni. Okay...and he drove so slow le. Made me even more nervous.

Half way to town, he asked if we do take breakfast...erm..ya...but we usually have it in town as we arrive in town (by bus) early. Noticing the uncle wanted to have his breakfast nearby, I said yes, we do take breakfast. He drove to teh side of the road and parked his car. " Uncle buy you all breakfast ya.." " Huh? Uncle don't need la..don't need.." " Nevermind la. Uncle buy you breakfast. Come, the nasi lemak at this shop is nice; famous."
*gulp*

I remember Edmund telling me stories about that "Zaman" coffeeshop & the nasi lemak that they serve. Ahhhh...not this shop??!! Oh no...*gulp* I kept silent & prayed so hard...prayed like I have never prayed before while i was crossing the road to the shop & even when we sat down in that shop.

The story behind the shop? Simple. Last time, the owner used to put jampi on the nasi lemak. That is why so many ppl go there for the nasi lemak. They eat once and would want to go back for more kinda thing. I really didn't dare to eat le. *gulps again* Uncle brought out the nasi lemak. Self service kononnya. He goes to the shop very often. Then when he went to get his lontong thingy or some sort of food la...can't remember what it is called...

Kelv wanted to pay edi, but the waitress said makan dulu bayar kmudian...aiyo. So we ate lor...every mouthful was eaten with a prayer...for me lar that is. Kelv is not aware of the story behind this at all, so he was eating in peace! I was praying against all evil spirits and all before I crossed the road to the shop, before I enter the shop, whiile I was in the shop, every mouthful I ate, and even as we left the place. Gosh! I have never eaten breakfast in such a situation before....

After that, the uncle actually took us to town & dropped us in front of church. He asked & told Kelv, "Your girlfriend ke? Jaga dia baik-baik ye." and I answered, " Tak la, uncle. Kawan aje." The uncle continued, "Tapi laki kena jaga prempuan ye. Don't leave her to walk alone ye..." We gave our salam and got out of the car- thankful ad relieved. Good grief. I thought to myself, " More like I jaga him la...that guy ar useless one ne...everything also can overlook; careless and clumsy...tsk tsk tsk.." I walked across the road to church, while Kelv went over to the RC church to pass the badminton racket to his friend to be sent for repair.

That was all the adventerous part for Sunday. the rest were minor parts or not so janggal parts. God spoke to me about prayer through the sermon. Boy, it was a hit kinda thingy. Made me reflect on how seriously I take my prayer life in contrast with Jesus' prayer life...waking up early in the morn, going to a solitary place, praying the whole night, withdrawing from the busyness...etc...*boiiiing* Then we had lunch with Kin Hup and all the families: Abi's, Miah's, Joanne & Sue Anne's & Ben's.

We left early to catch the bus, which actually didn't leave at the time we expected it to be. Kelv gave the wrong info or it is just that the bus did leave at 1.30pm last week, but not this week...it left at 2.30pm. *sigh* Memang tak gentleman punya la budak tu. Asked me to reserve a seat for him in the bus. Like it's a 1st come 1st serve thingy mah...courtesy what..ish ish. Budak. Can't blame teens these days. They are nice too in certain ways...like when they buy you ice cream or yogurt, but that also didn't see carefully and jusr bought blindly without knowing what he bought. Aiyoyo...guys...